Faulty Thinking

Reading people is a survival skill that I started to develop when I was a few years old. It is common among older child adoptees. I can remember as a six year old, trying to figure out the mood of my aunt. Was she drunk or angry? Was it safe to be near her?

A few years after I became a Barnett, I would listen for the moves of my dad as he walked through the door, as his boots hit the linoleum. Was he walking fast or at his regular pace? Was he taking off his belt before he hit the kitchen; or did he go back into his room?

As a student, I would try to figure out the mood of the teacher or even more importantly, the coach. What kind of class or practice was it going to be?

After being married for awhile, I started applying this skill to Phyllis. By the tone of her voice, I can usually determine her emotions, especially when she is irritated with me.

This is not the first time I have thought about this, however, something happened yesterday that made me realize that I often take this skill or obsession too far.

Yesterday, I wore a bee costume to work. A Disneyland type of costume (yes, it was burning hot). The purpose of this was to promote a book fair at two schools. The first school was a pre-school through 8th grade. The second school was a pre-school.

The bee suit was very friendly, yet a few of the kids were horrified when they saw a giant bee in their school. Most of the kids came up and hugged me, and tugged on my stinger. It was a warm and loving experience. Most adults were very receptive and kind. However, a few had that look of disgust. When I received that "look" I felt rejected. I immediately found someone else that had a kind smile and laugh at my bee antics. When I received that loving, kind, warm look, I felt accepted.

Yesterday evening it dawned on me how nonsensical it was for me to put meaning to disgusting looks. For crying out loud, I WAS IN A BEE COSTUME. They could see me. Also, it is not my problem or responsibility how someone is feeling. I can not control their attitude, I can only control my own.

Reading people has helped me many times, but mind reading is a problem. I am not part of the psychic network. I need to stop thinking about what I think other people are thinking.

What was once a survival skilled, has turned into a rejection sensor. I have been trying to control things I have no control over -- whether or not a person likes me.