"ADOPTION" by Nancy Ashe

This is from www.adoption.blogspot.com:

The word "adoption"

There's been a lot of talk about the way the word "adoption" has changed - we adopt pets, zoo animals, and even roads. And the way our families are formed has changed as well - so, is "adoption" still the best word? I have opinions about everything, and here are my thoughts on the word "adoption".

"Adoption" is a legal process that creates a parent-child relationship, with all attending rights and responsibilities, where none existed before.

Over the past decades, use of the word "adoption" has been extended to pets, zoo animals, endangered species, and roads.

But it isn't only use of the word that has changed. The way we adopt (international, transracial, subsidized, open) has changed greatly, and our understanding of the impact on adoptees and biological families has brought a new awareness that is changing the way many of us view - and practice - adoption.


These changes have led many to question whether or not the word "adoption" is still the best to describe this process.

I'm not sure. I think the word "adoption" is accurate for the legal process, but I think there is a better word for the human process.

Entrustment

What actually happens when children are adopted? Their care and well-being and futures are entrusted to adoptive parents - by the children's biological parents (either directly or implicitly), by social workers who approve their applications, by the courts that make the final rulings, and perhaps by others who participate in the process.

Unlike becoming parents by birth, there are many who have a say in the placement of a child with adoptive parents. And each of these participates in this entrustment process.

I like the word "entrustment" because it implies cooperation rather than confrontation, and a recognition of and respect for a child's place in both the biological and adoptive families. It conveys the involvement of the many who are committed to each child's "best interest" and their accountability in the process, whether or not there's any degree of openness. And I believe it carries an extra weight that will encourage both biological and adoptive parents to consider their choices and decisions more carefully.

Adoption has never changed a child's biological origins (despite the issuance of amended birth certificates), but adoptive parents are entrusted:

entrusted to parent,
entrusted with the lifetime commitment to their children,
entrusted to love their children unconditionally,
entrusted to recognize the same rights and responsibilities accorded to biological children
entrusted to remain their children's first and foremost champions.
"Entrustment" is already used in connection with adoptions. "Entrustment ceremonies" are becoming more common, involving both biological and adoptive parents. The purpose of these unofficial ceremonies is to cement the commitment of both sets of parents to the child, and underscore the trust that biological parents have in the adoptive parents (as stated above) to parent their child, to maintain a lifetime commitment to their child, to love their child unconditionally, to accord their child the same rights and responsibilities as biological children, and to be their child's first and foremost champions.

I believe there's a lesson here, and I think "entrustment" is a more accurate description of the way adoptive families are formed, and the way we should view the process.

From Birth to Now

Many older child adoptees had their needs met between birth, through foster care, and when they were adopted. However, there are others that have had a very difficult time with life. There is a constant uneasiness about "who I am," and "where am I going." What was like supposed to be like? Refect on some of the following words:


For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
-- Psalm 139:13

There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.
-- Blaise Pascal quotes (French Mathematician, Philosopher and Physicist, 1623-1662)

Deep Inner Longings:

the deep longing for parenting;
the deep longing for companionship and emotional development;
the deep longing for power and freedom, and
the deep longing for meaning and purpose.

from Recovering Connections by Richard D. Grant, JR. Ph.D and Andrea Wells Miller


Many older child adoptees have these deep longings. What do you do if you have these desires? More to come...

Resilient Adoptees

Resilient adoptees are those who are able to put the past in perspective and move forward. It is common that these individuals have two or more of the resilient characteristics.

Many of these adoptees had wonderful adoptive parents, who understood the complex consequences of abuse, abandonment, neglect and other common issues of adoptees. As a result, they would be considered therapeutic (healing) parents.

Therapeutic parents do their best to put themselves in the mind and soul of their child, feel their pain, and massage their childs heart.

What has been your experience?

Seven Resiliencies

Most older child adoptees struggle with various issues as they are growing up and into adulthood. Resilient individuals overcome their past to become mature, successful adults. These seven resiliencies apply to anyone who has struggled through childhood to become an adult. How are you doing with each of these?

The Seven Resiliencies

Insight - asking tough questions and giving honest answers.

Independence - distancing emotionally and physically from the sources of trouble in one's life.

Relationships - making fulfilling connections to other people.

Initiative - taking charge of problems.

Creativity - using imagination and expressing oneself in art forms.

Humor - finding the comic in the tragic.

Morality - acting on the basis of an informed conscience.

The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity (Villard, 1993 By Steven Wolin, M.D. & Sybil Wolin, Ph.D.

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky, Ph. D.,
Marshall D. Schechter, M.D., & Robin Marantz Henig

How does it feel to be adopted? Do you feel differently about it when your forty years old than when your thirteen? As recently as a generation ago, being adopted seemed no different than being born into the family that raised you. Now, however, studies show that being adopted can affect many aspects of adoptees' lives, from relationships with adoptive parents to bonds with their own children (from the back cover).

"How does it feel to be adopted (or part of the adoption triad)? Feel free to leave comments anonymously.

My Story

The idea for this blog came after I began sharing my story on my other blog, A CORE Life: journey to authenticity. The main story begins June 5, although I have shared parts of my story on previous blogs since I started blogging. If you are an adoptee or adoptive parent, I would love to hear your story.

Adoptee Loneliness

This thought provoking question is from a comment left by my friend Sherrie Eldridge:

I would like to pose a question to adult fellow adoptees. I have discovered that beneath the FEAR of abandonment and being forgotten is terrible loneliness. Do you find this true in your lives? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Sherrie Eldridge
www.adoptionjewels.org

Some parents get uneasy when talking about adoptee issues. For parents who have adoptive children, the goal is to prevent these type of issues from occurring. Every adoptee is different. Some adoptees never have any issues, others have very serious ones.

Please send this blog to someone you know who is touched by adoption.

Adoption Jewels -- Sherrie Eldridge

Sherrie Eldridge is one of my heroes. Her books, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew and Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make are two of the best books on adoption you can find. Her work is a result of her quest to find answers for her own struggling adoptee heart. Her website is: http://adoptionjewels.org . Check it out and let me know what you think.

Older Child Adoption Website

The best website on the internet for parents and adoptees of older children is http://www.olderchildadoption.com . Susan Ward is the founder and a parent of an older child adoptee, Hannah. She shares many personal stories and also a wealth of information related to raising children. Check it out!

Older Child Adoption by Grace Robinson

Older Child Adoption by Grace Robinson is the best book I have read on parenting the older child adoptee. This book is a manual for parents who have adopted older children. It is also an excellent resource to help older child adoptees gain a perspective on their past.

What resources have you found helpful?

Older Child Adoptee

Welcome to Older Child Adoptee. This blog is dedicated to helping older child adoptees process their past and move forward to a fulfilled life.

Adoptive parents, future and present, may also find this blog a valuable resource as information is shared. Enlightenment and inspiration will most likely come from the comments of adoptees and adoptive parents. For the purpose of this blog, an older child adoptee is a child who was adopted (or foster/adopt) after the age of one. This age is not a hard and fast rule, so birth adoptees and adoptive parents may find value regardless when they were adopted or became adoptive parents.

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What challenges are you having as an older child adoptee (child or adult) or parent? What would you like to "talk" about?