Adoption Stories

Adoption Stories is a program on the Discovery Health channel. It gives a beautiful spotlight on adoption. The stories especially focus on the blessing of adoption from the parent's perspective. Many adoptions are from outside America. Many times the adoptive parents travel to countries like Russia to adopt. A person must make two trips and stay at least ten days before they can go home with their baby. It is amazing what some people will do to adopt a child!

Do you have an adoption story? Share it!

Search Ends -- Again

After spending too much money on searching on my own (through the internet) for my B-mother, my cousin and I hired an investigator who was highly recommended by a law firm. After several days of searching, she did not find anything new. She did say, "Some people do not want to be found." I am beginning to think that her Social Security number is probably being fraudulently used -- thus the reason she would appear to be alive.

Searching for birth mothers (or fathers) is an emotional drain. I have read many stories of adoptees who have become distraught because of the search. Why do some adoptees want to find out all they can about their past and others seem to care less? I think there comes a time in every adoptee's life that they want to find out more about their past. Some overcome the urge and go on with their lives. Others surrcome to the longing to find out more. This longing is similar to retirees who spend hours putting together their family tree.

My quest for finding my b-mother was not so I could have an emotional made-for-TV reunion. I am more information driven. I have many questions that will probably never get answered. That is okay. Most people's lives are full of family secrets and unexplained behaviors.

My "real" mom, is a wonderful person. She took in four children who would be considered level 4-5 (1 being without much trauma and 6 being severely challenged) children in foster care. It would be unheard of now for children with our background not to have case workers, therapists, and other professionals involved. There would be home studies and training. My three older a-sisters would have been interviewed and prepared for what was about to happen. In spite of none of this being done, my mom did her best, took care of four starving, abused children and gave us a home. More than likely, if the Barnett's hadn't took us in, the four of us would have been split up or we would have gone back into an orphanage and probably have aged out of the foster care system.

For now, I am tired of searching. If a lead presents itself, I will probably run with it until I come to another wall. My life is complete without ever finding her. I have been blessed with a wonderful family. Also, my b-cousin Linda, (my b-mom's niece) has been a blessing in our lives since she found us about seven years ago. Her life is a beautiful example of resiliency and God's grace.

"God sets the lonely in families." My friend Shefalie reminded me of this. God has set me in many families in my life time. Maybe it was too teach me more about what is a real family. I am definitely blessed to have an incredible and beautiful wife-- Phyllis, and three beautiful children -- Matthew, Melissa, and Michael!

Searching

Searching for someone who has left no tracks for over 40 years is very difficult. Only the Social Security administration knows where she is, and they are prohibited from telling. All searches have led to dead ends. According to SSA, "she is alive" as one SS employee said, or as the 800 # person said, "we have no record of her being deceased." Is someone illegally using her social security number? Social Security will forward a letter to her address. It then becomes her purogative whether or not she wants to make contact. This is probably what I am going to end up doing, which may actually be the best anyway.

If I was writing a script for a movie, I would want her return letter to say that she was doing well. After a few years, her life took a positive turn. However, she did not want to contact us because of her respect for the family that took care of us and eventually adopted us after our aunt died. Actually, as I think about it, I can imagine many different endings.

One might be that she ended up marrying an oil tycoon. She has been searching for us all of this time. However, that is very unlikely, because if you have someone's first two names and their birth date, you can find them in a few minutes using almost any people search program.

Another ending is that she has been in a psychiatric hospital or nursing home all of these years. She has been unable to take care of herself. We get a letter from her power of attorney giving us a few details, but will not disclose her location.

An ending that I have thought about often is that she is a shadow person. Our entire life she has shadowed us and knows quite a bit about our lives. I must have seen something like that on the Twilight Zone when I was young.

Maybe Catholic nuns took her in, she became a nun, and spent her life working with Mother Theresa. The reality is that we will probably never find her -- by her choice or consequence. She has remained a mystery for many years. As my aunt wrote me years ago, she is an enigma.

Past Truth

Many older child adoptees have memories of their birth parents. For some, they may be sketchy, others distinct. There are also memories which have been blocked out because of trauma. Some adoptees want to know more about their past, others are content with not knowing.

For many years, I almost denied that I had any existence before becoming a part of my foster/adopt family when I was almost seven. However, the past few years I have had a real hunger to know as much about birth father and mother as possible. I guess there are many reasons for this yearning, which include becoming older and the natural tendency to want to know about your past.

Truth may be the one of the main reasons for my desire to know more about my past. I would like to get to the truth about my family. I am blessed with some letters that have helped me get to the truth. Also doing research at the library and obtaining some records from the foster care agency. My older birth cousin came into my life several years ago, which enlightened my mother's side of the family.

Hopefully, by the end of the year, I will have put together a story. My goal is to have a book published concerning my past.

What is your situation? Do you know much about your birth parents? Would you like to know more?

Nobody's Child

Nobody's Child is a memoir of the life of Marie Balter, an extraordinary woman who, after spending 20 years in a Massachusetts mental institution, went to college and, in the mid-1970's, earned an M.A. from Harvard University and founded the Balter Institute, a center for psychiatric treatment and counseling. Her life story was made into a made for television movie in 1986. Marlo Thomas played Marie, and won an Emmy for her performance.

The main reason I read the book was because I knew it was a story about resiliency. Marie was taken from her single mother when she was 5 years old, and put into foster care. She was adopted about a year later by an Italian family, Ma and Pa Bartello. Her life was characterized by anxiety attacks and depression. At one time the psychiatrists thought she was schizophrenic and they put her on some experimental drugs that almost killed her. Her story in a mental hospital referred to as "The Castle" is reminiscent of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but more filth. Over the years, conditions improved, with better science and a more empathic staff. As a result, Marie improved, was released, and her next chapter in life began. She when she was 68 in 1986 of cancer.

The last paragraph of her book gives insight to her resiliency:
Mother Teresa remains a guiding inspiration in my life. As she devotes herself to the hopelessly dying, I wish to dedicate my life to the hopelessly living. And as she draws her strength to from God, I wish to become a servant to God's will. There's a verse in the Old Testament which I treasure, and it's being carved deeper and deeper into my heart.I will build an altar unto You, O God, of the broken pieces of my heart.

Will you love me?

by

David Michael


Deep into your dark brown eyes,
I see the piercing pain of your plight.
"Where is your smile, la niña?"
Has darkness overcome the light?

Is their room in your heart,
for this precious little girl?
Or will life be for her,
a never ending, downward spiral?

Love is a magnificent mystery,
Faith is trust with no end,
Hope is a heavenly gift
This little girl, needs a friend.

An Adoptee's Question

A young woman in her mid-twenties asked Dr. Laura, "I was cleaning out one of my parents' closet, when I came across my birth certificate. I found out I was adopted. What do I do? Do I tell my parents?

Dr. Laura's answer surprised me. She asked the young woman what her childhood was like. "Wonderful," the adoptee said. "Then don't do anything. They don't need to know that you know. Why take a chance?"

I was very surprised by Dr. Laura's answer. Although the caller sounded like she accepted the answer, I can imagine she is still inflicted with major questions that are gnawing at her soul. My advice would have been different. What do you think?