Older Child Adoptee

Adoption Stories

2006-05-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

Adoption Stories is a program on the Discovery Health channel. It gives a beautiful spotlight on adoption. The stories especially focus on the blessing of adoption from the parent's perspective. Many adoptions are from outside America. Many times the adoptive parents travel to countries like Russia to adopt. A person must make two trips and stay at least ten days before they can go home with their baby. It is amazing what some people will do to adopt a child!

Do you have an adoption story? Share it!

Search Ends -- Again

2006-03-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

After spending too much money on searching on my own (through the internet) for my B-mother, my cousin and I hired an investigator who was highly recommended by a law firm. After several days of searching, she did not find anything new. She did say, "Some people do not want to be found." I am beginning to think that her Social Security number is probably being fraudulently used -- thus the reason she would appear to be alive.

Searching for birth mothers (or fathers) is an emotional drain. I have read many stories of adoptees who have become distraught because of the search. Why do some adoptees want to find out all they can about their past and others seem to care less? I think there comes a time in every adoptee's life that they want to find out more about their past. Some overcome the urge and go on with their lives. Others surrcome to the longing to find out more. This longing is similar to retirees who spend hours putting together their family tree.

My quest for finding my b-mother was not so I could have an emotional made-for-TV reunion. I am more information driven. I have many questions that will probably never get answered. That is okay. Most people's lives are full of family secrets and unexplained behaviors.

My "real" mom, is a wonderful person. She took in four children who would be considered level 4-5 (1 being without much trauma and 6 being severely challenged) children in foster care. It would be unheard of now for children with our background not to have case workers, therapists, and other professionals involved. There would be home studies and training. My three older a-sisters would have been interviewed and prepared for what was about to happen. In spite of none of this being done, my mom did her best, took care of four starving, abused children and gave us a home. More than likely, if the Barnett's hadn't took us in, the four of us would have been split up or we would have gone back into an orphanage and probably have aged out of the foster care system.

For now, I am tired of searching. If a lead presents itself, I will probably run with it until I come to another wall. My life is complete without ever finding her. I have been blessed with a wonderful family. Also, my b-cousin Linda, (my b-mom's niece) has been a blessing in our lives since she found us about seven years ago. Her life is a beautiful example of resiliency and God's grace.

"God sets the lonely in families." My friend Shefalie reminded me of this. God has set me in many families in my life time. Maybe it was too teach me more about what is a real family. I am definitely blessed to have an incredible and beautiful wife-- Phyllis, and three beautiful children -- Matthew, Melissa, and Michael!

Searching

2006-03-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

Searching for someone who has left no tracks for over 40 years is very difficult. Only the Social Security administration knows where she is, and they are prohibited from telling. All searches have led to dead ends. According to SSA, "she is alive" as one SS employee said, or as the 800 # person said, "we have no record of her being deceased." Is someone illegally using her social security number? Social Security will forward a letter to her address. It then becomes her purogative whether or not she wants to make contact. This is probably what I am going to end up doing, which may actually be the best anyway.

If I was writing a script for a movie, I would want her return letter to say that she was doing well. After a few years, her life took a positive turn. However, she did not want to contact us because of her respect for the family that took care of us and eventually adopted us after our aunt died. Actually, as I think about it, I can imagine many different endings.

One might be that she ended up marrying an oil tycoon. She has been searching for us all of this time. However, that is very unlikely, because if you have someone's first two names and their birth date, you can find them in a few minutes using almost any people search program.

Another ending is that she has been in a psychiatric hospital or nursing home all of these years. She has been unable to take care of herself. We get a letter from her power of attorney giving us a few details, but will not disclose her location.

An ending that I have thought about often is that she is a shadow person. Our entire life she has shadowed us and knows quite a bit about our lives. I must have seen something like that on the Twilight Zone when I was young.

Maybe Catholic nuns took her in, she became a nun, and spent her life working with Mother Theresa. The reality is that we will probably never find her -- by her choice or consequence. She has remained a mystery for many years. As my aunt wrote me years ago, she is an enigma.

Past Truth

2006-03-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

Many older child adoptees have memories of their birth parents. For some, they may be sketchy, others distinct. There are also memories which have been blocked out because of trauma. Some adoptees want to know more about their past, others are content with not knowing.

For many years, I almost denied that I had any existence before becoming a part of my foster/adopt family when I was almost seven. However, the past few years I have had a real hunger to know as much about birth father and mother as possible. I guess there are many reasons for this yearning, which include becoming older and the natural tendency to want to know about your past.

Truth may be the one of the main reasons for my desire to know more about my past. I would like to get to the truth about my family. I am blessed with some letters that have helped me get to the truth. Also doing research at the library and obtaining some records from the foster care agency. My older birth cousin came into my life several years ago, which enlightened my mother's side of the family.

Hopefully, by the end of the year, I will have put together a story. My goal is to have a book published concerning my past.

What is your situation? Do you know much about your birth parents? Would you like to know more?

Nobody's Child

2006-02-22T14:29:00.000-08:00

Nobody's Child is a memoir of the life of Marie Balter, an extraordinary woman who, after spending 20 years in a Massachusetts mental institution, went to college and, in the mid-1970's, earned an M.A. from Harvard University and founded the Balter Institute, a center for psychiatric treatment and counseling. Her life story was made into a made for television movie in 1986. Marlo Thomas played Marie, and won an Emmy for her performance.

The main reason I read the book was because I knew it was a story about resiliency. Marie was taken from her single mother when she was 5 years old, and put into foster care. She was adopted about a year later by an Italian family, Ma and Pa Bartello. Her life was characterized by anxiety attacks and depression. At one time the psychiatrists thought she was schizophrenic and they put her on some experimental drugs that almost killed her. Her story in a mental hospital referred to as "The Castle" is reminiscent of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but more filth. Over the years, conditions improved, with better science and a more empathic staff. As a result, Marie improved, was released, and her next chapter in life began. She when she was 68 in 1986 of cancer.

The last paragraph of her book gives insight to her resiliency:
Mother Teresa remains a guiding inspiration in my life. As she devotes herself to the hopelessly dying, I wish to dedicate my life to the hopelessly living. And as she draws her strength to from God, I wish to become a servant to God's will. There's a verse in the Old Testament which I treasure, and it's being carved deeper and deeper into my heart.I will build an altar unto You, O God, of the broken pieces of my heart.

Will you love me?

2006-02-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

by

David Michael

Deep into your dark brown eyes,
I see the piercing pain of your plight.
"Where is your smile, la niña?"
Has darkness overcome the light?

Is their room in your heart,
for this precious little girl?
Or will life be for her,
a never ending, downward spiral?

Love is a magnificent mystery,
Faith is trust with no end,
Hope is a heavenly gift
This little girl, needs a friend.

An Adoptee's Question

2006-02-02T06:11:00.000-08:00

A young woman in her mid-twenties asked Dr. Laura, "I was cleaning out one of my parents' closet, when I came across my birth certificate. I found out I was adopted. What do I do? Do I tell my parents?

Dr. Laura's answer surprised me. She asked the young woman what her childhood was like. "Wonderful," the adoptee said. "Then don't do anything. They don't need to know that you know. Why take a chance?"

I was very surprised by Dr. Laura's answer. Although the caller sounded like she accepted the answer, I can imagine she is still inflicted with major questions that are gnawing at her soul. My advice would have been different. What do you think?

Has God Been with You?

2006-01-31T08:33:00.000-08:00

How has God worked in your life through adoption?

Recognition for Adoption

2006-01-28T09:52:00.000-08:00

I am an adopted child, who has, and recently is in the process of adopting a child. I find that I long for, and still do, recognition. For some reason, I need to be recognized for what I have done or accomplished, and it is with certain people, in the community or church, that I need that from, and I don't know why. I pray against it, I pray for God to take that from me, and that the only recognition that I need is from Him. - Lori

Lori,

Thank you for asking such an honest question. Very few of us who feel the way you do would have the courage to ask such a question. Hopefully others will make comments that will be helpful.

It is not unusual to want recognition for the good things we have done. It becomes a problem when we think that unless we are recognized, what we have accomplished has no meaning. Also, when we feel that it is about what we have done, instead of what God is doing through us. This was a problem Jesus addressed in the Sermon on the Mount.

However, your need for recognition is probably because of an adoptee's sense of being rejected. If it is not on a conscious level, it may be in the subconscious. By recognizing and accepting rejection, then you are are able to work through this negative emotion.

Rejection<--------------------------------------------->Acceptance

Recognition may be the response you have received in the past that has helped you deny or minimize your feelings of rejection. Sherrie Eldridge addresses this issue in her book, Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make.

Adopting a child is a precious gift to the child and for the person who adopts. It is reciprocal. The most important recognition is by God as one of his children, and by your children who say, "I love you!"

What do you think? Leave your comments so we can all be blessed!

How Are You Doing?

2005-12-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

As an adult who was adopted as an older child, how are you doing? Do you feel like you are having any issues related to being an adoptee? Do you have a difficult time with rejection or the feeling of abandonment? Post a comment and we will discuss some of the issues related to being an older child adoptee.

National Adoption Month

2005-11-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

Did you know that November is National Adoption Month? What do you think about that? Promoting adoption is very important. An ad or message that inspires an open heart to open their home to a waiting child. What prompted your parents to adopt you?

Peaceful End to Birth Mother Search -- For Now

2005-10-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

Today I feel at peace for doing everything I could to find my birth mother. Four different sources in the past two years came up with the same person, including my own research. I made the phone call and it wasn't her.

The blessing came when the Beverly that answered the phone was so kind. She had such an understanding voice. It was in this moment that something profound happened. A revelation that I really loved my birth mother and my birth mother loved me. Also, I feel even more blessed to have a wonderful Mom (adopted). She loves me and I love her.

I am ready to change "my story." To change the negative scripts of my life to positive ones. I have allowed myself from time to time to think of myself as an orphan waiting for someone to rescue me. I have been rescued, I have been redeemed. It is time to live fully in this "story."

Searching for a Birthmother Ends

2005-10-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today I made the phone call (it is late Friday night as I write). For the past two weeks I have been gathering information on a woman who shared the same birthday, the first and middle name, and similar description as my birth mom. This woman had lived in New York, Minnesota, Texas several times, and then back to Minnesota. I found her last address yesterday using a different people search program than I had used before. I called my cousin, hoping that she would make the call. Linda wasn't ready, so I decided to call today.

It is a very strange feeling to think about calling your birth mother who you haven't seen in over 40 years. What would I say? Would she respond to me or just hang up. What if it wasn't her. I was becoming more convinced with each piece of information I collected that it was her. Her last address was even in a city called Hutchinson, which was my last name before I was adopted. What irony!

So I made the call. No one answered, except the answering machine. I called it again to listen to her voice. It sounded like my youngest sister with a northern accent, I thought. The next call I decide to leave a message, assuming she had caller ID, why someone was calling her from Texas. "I am searching for a relative from Texas that matches your birth date and your first and middle name."

An hour later, I decided to call one more time. A sweet sounding voice answered the phone. My heart was pounding. As calm as I could I told her I was searching for a lost relative with the same birthday and first two names. I told her the woman I was searching for was born in San Antonio and her maiden name was Jenkins. Beverly Jane from Hutchinson, Minnesota responded, I was born in New York, and my maiden name was Bruce. It wasn't her. I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was telling the truth. I said something about her living in Texas, and then said goodbye. My emotional response to her not being my birth mother completely caught me off guard -- I was very sad.

For years I lived with the thought that she was probably dead. It just didn't make sense that she would not have tried to find us after all these years if she were alive. My adopted parents did a search before they adopted my little sister, and they did not find her then, and the trail was fairly warm. I really believe she ended up as a Jane Doe in some Texas county's morgue.

Although this is sad, I am glad the search is over. More than likely, I am not going to search any more. It takes too much emotional energy and I lose focus on what I need to be doing. In a way, a burden has been lifted.

Why was I surprised to be sad? I think it is because I projected my own desires on this woman. I also thought it would "validate" my story. It is a sad tale, but more than like Beverly Jane is dead. Life goes on.

________________________

Saturday Morning - October 1

This morning I woke up with a deep sense of sadness. Sadness which oozes out of the acceptance of a significant loss. So much of my life has been lived in denial of my feelings towards my birth mother. For several years and especially the past few months I have been searching for my birth mother. I thought I was searching for Beverly for the sake of my cousin, it turns out that my search was to find a part of myself.

Making the call was tremendously painful. What if she answered and hung up? What if she answered and angrily denied that it was even her? The prospect of rejection filled my soul. When she answered the phone, for a few seconds, I really thought it was her. She had a very sweet voice. When I realized it wasn't her, my heart sank. In that moment I realized that all these years I really loved my mom, and I was the object of her love. If she could have been my mother for life, she would have. It also has occurred to me that she is really dead. From all the research my cousin Linda and I have done the past few months and weeks, there would have been a trace. I called the only Beverly Jane in America with the same birthday with a remote possibility of being my birth mother, and it wasn't her.

Before my parents adopted my little sister, they hired an investigator to search for Beverly. The trail was still warm, and she was not found. Linda says that as "crazy" as she was for us, she would have tried to find us if she were alive.

Beverly experienced so much pain in her life. My middle name is a reminder of some of her pain suffered from loss. A few years ago my cousin told me about her sister Michael who died as a child. Beverly loved her niece very much. My middle name is a reminder of her love, and her loss.

One story that I learned about Beverly a few years ago from the foster care agency was very enlightening. Upon one of her visits to Terry and I when we were with a foster family, Terry informed her some way that the family we were living with were racist. Beverly was outraged and immediately contacted the case worker. We were put into another home. This was in the early 60's.

Several years ago I read the book Fatherloss by Neil Chethick. The feelings that welled up in me for my father while reading his book, are the same ones I now have for my mother. I feel a great sense of loss, but I also feel an enormous love.

With this sadness that I feel this morning, I also have a sense of peace. There is something inside of me that is no longer struggling. I know I will never have that conversation regarding my father's death and the struggle my mom faced.

Acceptance is painful. Acceptance is also the doorway to peace -- which leads to the path of "closure."

Land of Confusion

2005-09-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

What if it is her? She has the same birthday, the same first two names. What are the odds? She has moved around a lot. From Texas, to New York, to Minnesota, back to Texas, New Mexico, to Chico, California and now back to a small town west of Abilene called Tye. No phone number, just a PO Box. Should I write her or go to the town of a little over a thousand people and try to find her?

She divorced the person she married in Minnesota, and married someone again in 1985, in Abilene. The records only go back to the early 80's. I couldn't find a trace before then. A call to someone in California that lived close to her described her as being around 5 feet tall, maybe shorter. This characteristic matches.

What would I gain from contacting her? If it is her, she spent two-thirds of her life away from the children she brought into this world. Maybe she does not want to have any contact. Do I "need" anything from her? What questions would be answered? Does God want me to find her? For what reason?

There are a many questions, and for some reason, much distress. Her niece really wants to make contact. My cousin has few relatives left. The question is, what would be gained from finding my birth mom, after all these years?

Loss and Hope

2005-09-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

Loss. It is a soft word. Alone, it flows from the brain through the mouth with little effort. This is why it is so often preceded by a descriptive word -- painful, tragic, incomprehensible, devastating, grievous, shocking, total.

Loss is a forerunner. A forerunner to anxiety, depression, loneliness, and change.

Loss has a memory. It triggers the emotions of previous losses. Loss compounds.

Loss brings on different reactions. Sometimes it depends on what is lost, past losses, and what is in the emotional and spiritual bank of the one who has lost.

When my birth mother lost her husband (and my father) in a tragic automobile accident, she was not able to handle the loss. She was probably already depressed, after his death she became dillusional. She began telling neighbors that she killed my father. How she handled this loss, resulted in the loss of her four children. She had no reserves, so she was not able to care for us.

The antidote to loss is hope. The bridge to hope often needs to be rebuilt. This bridge is not built by the one who has lost, but by the community. Many in this community have experienced loss themselves, so they build with understanding and love.

Communities of love build bridges of hope. Hope inspires, ignites, and invites others to participate in the process.

Hope is what we need -- not criticism, or blame, or political partisanship. Hope for the future. Hope that life will get better. Hope in something that is greater than ourselves.

Psalm 65

5 You answer us in righteousness,
with awe-inspiring works,
God of our salvation,
the hope of all the ends of the earth
and of the distant seas;

6 You establish the mountains by Your power,
robed with strength; 7 You silence the roar of the seas,
the roar of their waves,
and the tumult of the nations. 8 Those who live far away are awed by Your signs;
You make east and west shout for joy. 9 You visit the earth and water it abundantly,
enriching it greatly.
God's stream is filled with water,
for You prepare the earth in this way,
providing [people] with grain. 10 You soften it with showers and bless its growth,
soaking its furrows and leveling its ridges. 11 You crown the year with Your goodness;
Your ways overflow.

Faulty Thinking

2005-08-25T06:05:00.000-07:00

Reading people is a survival skill that I started to develop when I was a few years old. It is common among older child adoptees. I can remember as a six year old, trying to figure out the mood of my aunt. Was she drunk or angry? Was it safe to be near her?

A few years after I became a Barnett, I would listen for the moves of my dad as he walked through the door, as his boots hit the linoleum. Was he walking fast or at his regular pace? Was he taking off his belt before he hit the kitchen; or did he go back into his room?

As a student, I would try to figure out the mood of the teacher or even more importantly, the coach. What kind of class or practice was it going to be?

After being married for awhile, I started applying this skill to Phyllis. By the tone of her voice, I can usually determine her emotions, especially when she is irritated with me.

This is not the first time I have thought about this, however, something happened yesterday that made me realize that I often take this skill or obsession too far.

Yesterday, I wore a bee costume to work. A Disneyland type of costume (yes, it was burning hot). The purpose of this was to promote a book fair at two schools. The first school was a pre-school through 8th grade. The second school was a pre-school.

The bee suit was very friendly, yet a few of the kids were horrified when they saw a giant bee in their school. Most of the kids came up and hugged me, and tugged on my stinger. It was a warm and loving experience. Most adults were very receptive and kind. However, a few had that look of disgust. When I received that "look" I felt rejected. I immediately found someone else that had a kind smile and laugh at my bee antics. When I received that loving, kind, warm look, I felt accepted.

Yesterday evening it dawned on me how nonsensical it was for me to put meaning to disgusting looks. For crying out loud, I WAS IN A BEE COSTUME. They could see me. Also, it is not my problem or responsibility how someone is feeling. I can not control their attitude, I can only control my own.

Reading people has helped me many times, but mind reading is a problem. I am not part of the psychic network. I need to stop thinking about what I think other people are thinking.

What was once a survival skilled, has turned into a rejection sensor. I have been trying to control things I have no control over -- whether or not a person likes me.

Rejection

2005-08-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

Rejection is a common issue among older child adoptees. Personally, anything that resembles rejection makes my skin crawl. I can remember getting my brother to ask my a-parents if we could do something, because I hated hearing the word no. When I was in college, I would only go out with a girl a few times because I feared that she was going to reject me. It was better for me to "reject" her before she was the one to say no. How are you doing with rejection? Sherrie Eldridge has a great article concerning this topic. Read it and then let me know what you think.

I am a 22-year-old adoptee in the midst of therapy for adoption issues. My therapist said that many adoptees struggle with feelings of rejection. Why is this?

Did You Love Her?

2005-08-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

This dialogue was inspired by a friend who was also an older child adoptee.

She didn't love me.

"How do you know?"

If she loved me, she would have taken care of herself and not abandoned me.

"Did you love her?"

I don't know. After she gave us away, I don't remember having feelings toward her.

"You weren't angry towards her for leaving you?"

No, she couldn't take care of herself, much less take care of us?

"What happened to her?"

I don't know. She probably died. She was sick.

"Because she was sick, you think she died?"

If she wasn't sick, I can't imagine why she wouldn't have rescued us from Aunt Betty.

"Did she love you?"

I never thought about that.

"Imagine for a moment that she really loved you. How would that make you feel?"

Sad.

"Why would it make you sad?"

Because if she loved me, then I be sad that I never saw her again after she abandoned us.

"Are there other reasons?"

It also makes my early childhood more real. I like to keep everything in compartments. Also, she wasn't really my mother. My adoptive mother was my mother.

"What would happen if you took your thoughts out of these compartments?"

It would probably cause me to think differently about some things.

"Why don't you give it a try and see what happens? Identify these compartments and what you have kept in each one. Write it out, then spend some time reflecting on it. Then if you choose, let me know some of your thoughts."

Mother-Child Reunion

2005-08-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

Most of my life, I convinced myself that I didn't like my birth mother. She abandoned us. After my father died, when we were in foster care, at the time we needed her the most, she was sleeping around and got pregnant. In my mind, she was dead. This also made it easier for me to accept my adopted mom as my mom. The thought of finding a birth mother, or even the search, I felt would have also hurt my mom. However, there has always been this small voice that has spoken at different and various times in my life and asked, "I wonder if she is still alive." The past few years it has grown stronger.

To find my birth mother would cost thousands of dollars. And even then, it is likely that there would be no trace. I thought it would make a good Oprah or Dr. Phil show. They would have the resources to find out if she was dead or alive.

Previously, I wrote about getting a name of someone that might be her. Oddly enough, I found the house in Abiliene, Texas. I decided to go across the street to get a description of the women who lived there. Obviously it wasn't her, because the resident of this home was too tall to have been my mother. The anticipation during this process was heavy. A very odd experience that thousands of adoptees have felt when they were close to the trail of a birth mother.

It is probably apparent why I have been more interested the last few years. If she were alive, she would be in her mid-seventies, so time becomes much more of a factor. I have often wondered if I had had the desire to find her twenty-five years ago, that I would have found her. Yet, I can also remember not wanting to do anything that I felt would hurt my mom.

So, I will probably never find out what happened to Beverly Jane. Did she find another man, have more children? Did she commit suicide? Maybe she became a nun and lives in a convent somewhere in Mexico? She always loved the beach, perhaps she married a fisherman and lives in a shack on the Gulf Coast? Or maybe she married an oil tycoon, and has lived her live in opulence? Regardless, I have often wondered was a mother-child reunion "only a motion away?"

Mother And Child Reunion
Paul Simon

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

I can't for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just don't work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

I just can t believe it's so
Though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away

Oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a moment away

"ADOPTION" by Nancy Ashe

2005-07-31T06:36:00.000-07:00

This is from www.adoption.blogspot.com:

The word "adoption"

There's been a lot of talk about the way the word "adoption" has changed - we adopt pets, zoo animals, and even roads. And the way our families are formed has changed as well - so, is "adoption" still the best word? I have opinions about everything, and here are my thoughts on the word "adoption".

"Adoption" is a legal process that creates a parent-child relationship, with all attending rights and responsibilities, where none existed before.

Over the past decades, use of the word "adoption" has been extended to pets, zoo animals, endangered species, and roads.

But it isn't only use of the word that has changed. The way we adopt (international, transracial, subsidized, open) has changed greatly, and our understanding of the impact on adoptees and biological families has brought a new awareness that is changing the way many of us view - and practice - adoption.

These changes have led many to question whether or not the word "adoption" is still the best to describe this process.

I'm not sure. I think the word "adoption" is accurate for the legal process, but I think there is a better word for the human process.

Entrustment

What actually happens when children are adopted? Their care and well-being and futures are entrusted to adoptive parents - by the children's biological parents (either directly or implicitly), by social workers who approve their applications, by the courts that make the final rulings, and perhaps by others who participate in the process.

Unlike becoming parents by birth, there are many who have a say in the placement of a child with adoptive parents. And each of these participates in this entrustment process.

I like the word "entrustment" because it implies cooperation rather than confrontation, and a recognition of and respect for a child's place in both the biological and adoptive families. It conveys the involvement of the many who are committed to each child's "best interest" and their accountability in the process, whether or not there's any degree of openness. And I believe it carries an extra weight that will encourage both biological and adoptive parents to consider their choices and decisions more carefully.

Adoption has never changed a child's biological origins (despite the issuance of amended birth certificates), but adoptive parents are entrusted:

entrusted to parent,
entrusted with the lifetime commitment to their children,
entrusted to love their children unconditionally,
entrusted to recognize the same rights and responsibilities accorded to biological children
entrusted to remain their children's first and foremost champions.
"Entrustment" is already used in connection with adoptions. "Entrustment ceremonies" are becoming more common, involving both biological and adoptive parents. The purpose of these unofficial ceremonies is to cement the commitment of both sets of parents to the child, and underscore the trust that biological parents have in the adoptive parents (as stated above) to parent their child, to maintain a lifetime commitment to their child, to love their child unconditionally, to accord their child the same rights and responsibilities as biological children, and to be their child's first and foremost champions.

I believe there's a lesson here, and I think "entrustment" is a more accurate description of the way adoptive families are formed, and the way we should view the process.

From Birth to Now

2005-07-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

Many older child adoptees had their needs met between birth, through foster care, and when they were adopted. However, there are others that have had a very difficult time with life. There is a constant uneasiness about "who I am," and "where am I going." What was like supposed to be like? Refect on some of the following words:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
-- Psalm 139:13

There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.
-- Blaise Pascal quotes (French Mathematician, Philosopher and Physicist, 1623-1662)

Deep Inner Longings:

the deep longing for parenting;
the deep longing for companionship and emotional development;
the deep longing for power and freedom, and
the deep longing for meaning and purpose.

from Recovering Connections by Richard D. Grant, JR. Ph.D and Andrea Wells Miller

Many older child adoptees have these deep longings. What do you do if you have these desires? More to come...

Resilient Adoptees

2005-07-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Resilient adoptees are those who are able to put the past in perspective and move forward. It is common that these individuals have two or more of the resilient characteristics.

Many of these adoptees had wonderful adoptive parents, who understood the complex consequences of abuse, abandonment, neglect and other common issues of adoptees. As a result, they would be considered therapeutic (healing) parents.

Therapeutic parents do their best to put themselves in the mind and soul of their child, feel their pain, and massage their childs heart.

What has been your experience?

Seven Resiliencies

2005-07-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

Most older child adoptees struggle with various issues as they are growing up and into adulthood. Resilient individuals overcome their past to become mature, successful adults. These seven resiliencies apply to anyone who has struggled through childhood to become an adult. How are you doing with each of these?

The Seven Resiliencies

Insight - asking tough questions and giving honest answers.

Independence - distancing emotionally and physically from the sources of trouble in one's life.

Relationships - making fulfilling connections to other people.

Initiative - taking charge of problems.

Creativity - using imagination and expressing oneself in art forms.

Humor - finding the comic in the tragic.

Morality - acting on the basis of an informed conscience.

The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity (Villard, 1993 By Steven Wolin, M.D. & Sybil Wolin, Ph.D.

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self

2005-07-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky, Ph. D.,
Marshall D. Schechter, M.D., & Robin Marantz Henig

How does it feel to be adopted? Do you feel differently about it when your forty years old than when your thirteen? As recently as a generation ago, being adopted seemed no different than being born into the family that raised you. Now, however, studies show that being adopted can affect many aspects of adoptees' lives, from relationships with adoptive parents to bonds with their own children (from the back cover).

"How does it feel to be adopted (or part of the adoption triad)? Feel free to leave comments anonymously.

My Story

2005-07-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

The idea for this blog came after I began sharing my story on my other blog, A CORE Life: journey to authenticity. The main story begins June 5, although I have shared parts of my story on previous blogs since I started blogging. If you are an adoptee or adoptive parent, I would love to hear your story.

Adoptee Loneliness

2005-07-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

This thought provoking question is from a comment left by my friend Sherrie Eldridge:

I would like to pose a question to adult fellow adoptees. I have discovered that beneath the FEAR of abandonment and being forgotten is terrible loneliness. Do you find this true in your lives? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Sherrie Eldridge
www.adoptionjewels.org

Some parents get uneasy when talking about adoptee issues. For parents who have adoptive children, the goal is to prevent these type of issues from occurring. Every adoptee is different. Some adoptees never have any issues, others have very serious ones.

Please send this blog to someone you know who is touched by adoption.

Adoption Jewels -- Sherrie Eldridge

2005-07-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

Sherrie Eldridge is one of my heroes. Her books, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew and Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make are two of the best books on adoption you can find. Her work is a result of her quest to find answers for her own struggling adoptee heart. Her website is: http://adoptionjewels.org . Check it out and let me know what you think.

Older Child Adoption Website

2005-07-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

The best website on the internet for parents and adoptees of older children is http://www.olderchildadoption.com . Susan Ward is the founder and a parent of an older child adoptee, Hannah. She shares many personal stories and also a wealth of information related to raising children. Check it out!

Older Child Adoption by Grace Robinson

2005-07-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

Older Child Adoption by Grace Robinson is the best book I have read on parenting the older child adoptee. This book is a manual for parents who have adopted older children. It is also an excellent resource to help older child adoptees gain a perspective on their past.

What resources have you found helpful?

Older Child Adoptee

2005-07-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Older Child Adoptee. This blog is dedicated to helping older child adoptees process their past and move forward to a fulfilled life.

Adoptive parents, future and present, may also find this blog a valuable resource as information is shared. Enlightenment and inspiration will most likely come from the comments of adoptees and adoptive parents. For the purpose of this blog, an older child adoptee is a child who was adopted (or foster/adopt) after the age of one. This age is not a hard and fast rule, so birth adoptees and adoptive parents may find value regardless when they were adopted or became adoptive parents.

---------------------------------------------

What challenges are you having as an older child adoptee (child or adult) or parent? What would you like to "talk" about?